Ryan Phillips had to lose everything he had before he understood what was truly important.
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The day my baby daughter, Sadie was born, I was completely wasted.
It was July 10th, 1999. I was in Wichita, Kansas and a massive thunderstorm was on the horizon; literally and figuratively. I had met Sadie’s mom Andea, a few years earlier after joining the Central Hockey League. I was 21 years old. I was a pro hockey player living the life. Or so I thought. I spent the afternoon that my daughter was born, getting drunk and high with my buddies all in anticipation of my great act of manhood–having a kid. I was far gone at one point, I could barely carry on a conversation; but I made sure that the bottles of Cristal and Crown Royale made their way to us in the waiting room. If we could’ve, we would have probably done drugs there too, but going outside to get high was the only thing that led me to leave the waiting room and the looks of disgust Sadie’s mom’s side of the family couldn’t help but aim like daggers at me; daggers which in turn fueled my arrogant ego, to throw my drinking and drug use in their face even more.
Something happened when I actually held her in my arms that day though. I actually managed to get it together, enough so that when my friend held a video camera to my head, I said, “Sadie I’m your father, and I will always be there for you, you will be loved…” That’s all I really remember, but I do remember it was as if when she was born, some rush of energy made me snap out of my intoxication, and I meant every word I said on camera. She was so tiny and a sense of peace that I’d never felt before overcame my body mind and spirit. In a flash my life had changed forever.
There was one catch, the storm clouds hadn’t left my life and the other shoe hadn’t yet dropped. Thanks to my rockstar level partying, my hockey career was slipping away. I made excuses, but I always kept taking my partying to another level. I was on a downward spiral. But nothing anyone said or did could snap me out of this state of delusion. Besides the moment that happened to me, when I saw my tiny little girl look up at me, when I could actually see inside her eyes my own, I was dead inside.
♦◊♦
The following year, I was apprehended on the State side of the border with 100 pounds of high-grade pot in a conspiracy to import. Considered a flight risk, I was detained in a maximum facility and didn’t see daylight for over 500 days. I can’t describe what that was like. Besides the brutal detox and lack of empathy by any guards for your well being, you get stuck thinking a lot. The only light in my life during the literal darkness of those days was my memory of holding Sadie.
The fact that I was told I would never be allowed back into the USA paralyzed me with fear and depression. I couldn’t even begin to think of how I could clean up this mess I’d created.
Upon my release and signing the papers saying I would never re-enter the US again, I was escorted back to Canada in a bulletproof van. As I stared out the window all I could think about was my little girl and “what if I never see her again” I only thought the worst. Her mother, thank God was a pillar of strength along with my family and they made it possible for us to see each other.
There was one other bright spot. After spending the first 7 months in pre sentencing, a Japanese man known as Tojo, banged on my door and pulled me into his cell. short of stature who reminded me of a real life Buddha, He started teaching me about tuning into positive vibrations and the laws of cause and effect. He told me that this would soon come to pass and it was only temporary. He instilled the principal that it didn’t matter where I was, I didn’t have to be a prisoner of my own mind. In no time he had me writing poetry and positive affirmations. He brought out laughter in me in a place driven by fear. He taught me the most important thing of all was self-love. His words were, “you’ve got to love yourself.” His teachings stuck with me, he told me I would never forget him and he was right. I knew he came into my life for a reason and even though I got off my path temporarily, not a day goes by that I think of the care he took in helping me realize that my thoughts were physical and powerful. He taught me out of the love in his heart because he wanted to pass on his wisdom and make me understand that no matter what anyone does in the past is the past. The present moment is all we have, and it’s in the powerful now that future events are created through the energy of the thoughts that dominate the human mind. For that I will be eternally grateful.
Tojo became a surrogate father to me in a prison where family and love felt very far away from me most of the time instead of the odd weekend visit. I didn’t want my parents to see me in that situation out of embarrassment and shame.
♦◊♦
This is a story about love, not loss. In 2012 I was granted access as a humanitarian back to the USA. I started to really focus on doing good in the world and my efforts were reciprocated to say the least. I found my happiness finally after twelve long years. But it wasn’t until I believed with full faith that it would happen that miracles started becoming reality. It just so happened I filmed a documentary called Return to Happiness that documents my adversities in life that I overcame with positive energy, and it was through the love of my daughter that was a major inspiration for the film.
The dynamics of my whole family has changed drastically as we know now that no matter what, anything is possible. Love and faith in most cases will always find a way. To all the fathers in the world, this is your day! Whether you are with your kids or not, celebrate knowing that no matter what, you will always be dad. Lead by example of doing good in the world, that’s what our kids need.
Happy Father’s Day Tojo, and Sadie, I love you.
Ryan John Phillips.
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Ryan Phillips was a Canadian pro Hockey player who played for the Wichita Thunder and Waco Wizards and was at height of his fame and game prowess when he was arrested for importing a large amount of marijuana into the United States over the Canadian border. Phillips was incarcerated and detained and then, later, upon his release prohibited from re-entering for life by Homeland Security. He embarked on a journey of self-actualization and realization that resulted in a documentary called Return to Happiness. By the end of filming, Phillips was, finally allowed by the US to be able to visit the country and his heart, his daughter Sadie. Phillips is concerned with delineating a new way of manhood and masculinity and also with bringing joy into a sometimes joyless world.